Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A Simple Truth

“All I know is the choices you make dictate the life you lead. "To thine own self be true."”

I realized that I had spent the last 4+ years of my life waiting for a man to decide if he wanted to be with me or not. Do you have any idea what that does to a person? I kept telling myself that I was waiting for my life with him to start. Waiting. Why couldn't it start right then? Why did it take me so long to realize the simple truth--The lack of an answer is an answer. 

It is amazing when you realize that you are tired of letting life pass you by for another person. It is even more infuriating when you realize that that is what you have been doing. For years you have been prioritizing their needs over your own. Don't get me wrong I am a believer that love is about compromise but there is a difference. A big difference.  It is heartbreaking when you realize that you have completely lost yourself in the process. You are no longer a strong, confident, fearless woman, but a timid, broken shell ready to crack at any moment. 

It took me a long time to stand up, it is going to take me even longer to express my anger but I have seen the light and awoken from a dark nightmare. The farther I get away from him the better I feel. But the truth is, I falter, we falter. It is comfortable, we know each other so well. Yet after we are together, I feel the cracks starting to show again. He hasn't changed and I have stopped expecting him to. 

5 whole days without any contact. 

If my life were a song today it would be: I don't want to cry by Mariah Carey.  

1 comment:

  1. sometimes, i think, those long journeys we take to get to places like this (emotionally in your case) are even more worth it. even though they take awhile, you can look back and feel like you REALLY learned. and see how far you've come.